Unknown

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Unknown, in Love and Hate

There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

Unknown, in Success and Failure

There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

Unknown, in Science and Religion

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Unknown, in Love and Hate

Time is God's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Unknown, in Science and Religion

To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have.

Unknown, in Success and Failure

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Unknown, in Success and Failure

To err is human, to blame the next guy even more so.

Unknown, in Altruism and Cynicism

To err is human, to forgive unusual.

Unknown, in Success and Failure

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

Unknown, in Success and Failure

To live a perfect life, you must ask nothing, give nothing, and expect nothing.

Unknown, in Happiness and Misery and Life and Death

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Unknown, in Law and Politics

True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes.

Unknown, in Love and Hate

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

Unknown, in Altruism and Cynicism

Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we've used the ones we have?

Unknown, in War and Peace

While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.

Unknown, in Vice and Virtue

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Unknown, in Wealth and Poverty

While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.

Unknown, in Success and Failure

Wise men make proverbs; fools repeat them.

Unknown, in Wisdom and Ignorance

Women first want to find out what is in your wallet, and second what is in your pants.

Unknown, in Men and Women