American author and journalist; b. 1842; d. 1913
Aphorisms Attributed to This Aphorist
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Vote: The instrument and symbol of a free man's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be nullified on behalf of a single petitioner, admittedly unworthy.
Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Love: A temporary insanity cureable either by marriage or by removal of the influences under which he incurred the disorder. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than the patient.
Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
Incompatibility: In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary, "patriotism" is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first.
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
Egoist: A person of low taste, more interested in themselves than in me.
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the fool their lack of understanding.